January 29, 2005 I feel so crushed now.
Crying. Confused.
I don't know.
I just want to try new stuff.
Yet they want to start with family.
I took so bloody long just to be able
to talk to my parents again
ever since I was so attached to games.
It really cuts my heart real badly
whenever I raise my voice at them.
Yes I didn't use to feel like that
2years ago.
But that's me last time.
I don't have the right to do
anything against them.
I don't want to quit
neither do I want to continue.
Yes I'm stuck here.
I don't want to let Di down
yet I don't want any part of this job
to involve my family.
They make me feel like breaking down.
I don't want them to be involved.
I feel like they're going
to hate me for life.
I'm confused.
I can't sleep.
I'm very tired.
But these thoughts keep running
through my mind.
Yes. I'm just another someone
with many dreams.
I dream too much.
I aim too high.
I don't know why.
Yet I don't want to let anyone down.
They tell me you never know the result
if you don't try.
I am like so sure they don't
try and listen to me.
I think I work better with stranger.
They just don't give me the chance.
I can't sleep.
I'm tired. Very.
There's no one online
that I can feel comfortable talking to.
Yea. I don't have the money.
I don't spend much.
I'm not going to spend any more money
other than on food, medical and daily needs.
Nobody understands.
I love money.
......... I don't know what to say.
I just know he won't support the idea.
Whatever.
There goes my goal or whatever.
Yes. I'm fickle minded.
I think I'm too selfish.
I think for myself too much.
Maybe I should just drop this idea.
It's causing me a lot of pain.
Maybe 10years down the road
I'll see it again.
Known to every single person on earth.
Then I'd start to regret
why I didn't try hard enough.
I just got defeated.
Maybe I'll just stop here.
Yes I still feel very sad
and bad and regretful.
I don't know.
I've got totally no mood to talk about work.
Except for the fact some couple tried
to order and I screwed it up.
Well it wasn't my fault.
No one was around.
I don't know.
I'm selfish.
I want to try.
I want to learn.
I want to do many things.
But it's all for status.
I like learning.
I don't see anything wrong with it.
I don't know why it's so hard
to find people in this world
who are willing to help.
If my dad sees me crying
he's going to tell me to quit.
Yes. Somehow or other
he would mean that.
I twist words.
I think not long from now
I'd remember this incident
and laugh over it.
That it's not worth crying over
and just another "want" in life.
I should go off now.